Why Friends Come and Go

Friendships are much like a revolving door. I have had a ton of friends come in and out of my life. Think about it. It’s going to happen when you serve 11 churches in 24 years. (Gotta love when the nature of your ministry is short-term!😂) I made some pretty close friends that I wish I could have held onto moving into the next season. Most of those now are acquaintances at best, or we no longer communicate. Why is that?

Location – Out of those 11 churches, 4 of those are in the area in which I live now. So 7 of those are in other states or other parts of this state. Unless you have plenty of money to travel, most of these friendships will decrease in intensity. That’s just how life goes. Other people close in proximity are more convenient and can better provide a depth of friendship you no longer can. Don’t take it personally!

Life stage – I had friends during the stage of singleness that did not fit into the married phase. They didn’t relate. Add kids to the mix, and they really didn’t relate. Their exodus or lack of prominence in your life is not because they hate you. They just don’t connect with where you are in life now, and that’s okay!

Seasonal change – Some friends are only meant to be in your life for a season. They, or you, will serve a specific purpose. When that purpose is fulfilled, one or the other moves on.

The busyness of life – I understand this one. I wake up in the morning, I go to work, I come home, I deal with 4 of the 7 kids (all when it’s their time to be here), put them in bed, try to enjoy some down time, and go to sleep. Repeat cycle the next day. I won’t be in this cycle forever, although it feels like it. I do get in phone calls with people when I am traveling. I have a dear friend from Georgia who has withstood the test of time and life phases. Also, a dear couple from my first pastorate stays in touch. Then, I have people in ministry I stay in touch with. Although I strive to be on the giving side, the encouragement is mutual.

Once again, don’t take it personally when these friends go away. That’s life! Some go, and new ones replace them. When the old ones go, pray and ask God for you to have grace to accept that. Don’t try to hold on to something that isn’t meant to be! God knows what He is doing. Trust Him!

Passion, Love, and the Holy Spirit

Each of us is passionate about something. For some, it’s sports. Others are passionate about yard work, hunting, or fill in the blank with one of your favorite things.

Today, I had the privilege of attending the Creative Evangelism Summit at Southern Wesleyan University. It included three generations of the Clyde Dupin family. Clyde is the patriarch. His two sons (both are pastors) and three grandsons (two pastors and one who is not in vocational ministry) were all on stage. My friends, Pastors Mark Wilson and Heath Mullikin led the discussion. They shared several things about this often dismissed subject of evangelism. Many pastors and churches have emphasized discipleship to the point that they fail to remember that disciples share the gospel and led unbelievers to Christ. There were three key elements that kept popping up to me in this event: passion, love, and the Holy Spirit.

Passion is contagious. When someone is passionate about something, you see that in the way he or she talks about and actually does anything related to it. Clyde Dupin was very passionate about the times he shared the gospel. This man who is in the latter years of his life is so passionate about sharing Jesus with those who don’t know Him. Passion is key to a thriving ministry.

Love is also a key ingredient in a thriving ministry. As Clyde Dupin shared about the times he shared the gospel, you could hear the love for the souls of people as he spoke. He did not share the gospel out of obligation. He shared because he wanted to see unbelievers cross from death to life. No matter how wicked someone had been, Clyde Dupin lovingly and relentlessly shared the gospel with people.

The Holy Spirit is the One who does the work. We are obedient vessels, but God’s Spirit moves in the hearts of people. One of the Dupins spoke of the need for us to seek and invite the work of the Holy Spirit into the work we do for the Lord.

I know I need these three ingredients in what I do. I want to be fully passionate about my service for the Lord and for people to pick up on it. I want to love people so much that I will relentlessly share the gospel until they are saved. I want to be full of the Holy Spirit and see Him working at every corner. May we all long for these things and see God’s power at work through them.

Go Get Some Real Friends!

Cue up “Friends Forever” by Michael W. Smith. That song drove me crazy because every end of school chapel service contained this song along with some senior girl crying about how she will miss her friends. I was in Christian school, so this will sound foreign to many of you. It was very much part of our Christian school culture.

Fast forward almost 22 years. I don’t want to admit I graduated high school that long ago, but I did. How many of my friends from high school are still friends? What about college? What about those from 5-10 years ago?

Many of you think you have friends. They are great to hang out with, party with, but how do they treat you when you’re wounded? You know those moments in life like a job loss, divorce, disease, etc.? If they aren’t ministering to you in your worst moments, they’re not friends. The Bible says, “A friend loves at ALL times.”

Assess your “friends” you have right now. If you seriously question if they will be there for you when all hell comes against you, you might want to get a new set of friends.

Missionary/Pastor to Pastors – Why Is It Needed?

One of the last sermons I preached before I stepped away from the church I started

In October 2018, I began reaching out to pastors. I was coming out of a season of burnout and depression after giving nearly two years to the church I started. Because of that, I knew other pastors and ministry leaders were experiencing what I was on varying levels. I didn’t want them to walk the road alone, so I started sending messages to the ones I knew, asking them how I could pray for them. The responses confirmed what I already knew. In my heart, I knew I wanted to minister to those in ministry.

Why would this be a necessary ministry? Don’t pastors and Christian leaders have homies they hang with all the time (gotta love the word choice😂)? Often, the answer is no. Ministry leaders are often competitive and are out to have the biggest church. But that’s not the main problem! Many pastors feel they trust anyone. What if they were vulnerable and talked about their real struggles? They are expected to minister to the world, but who will minister to them.

Here are a few quotes I think will help solidify the need:

“…everyone comes to me for pastoral care and advice, even my extended family and friends. Who does the pastor get to go to. Yes, God, but God has given us brothers in the ministry to lean on and hold us accountable and hear confession/offer absolution.”

“I believe that every pastor should have a pastor. We as pastors are human. We sin, we fall short, we feel discouraged, and we carry many burdens of others. It’s heathy for a pastor to ‘unload,’and be pastored along the way.”

“When I was just a church member, I had guidance, advice, empathy, understanding, biblical training and edification from my pastor. Now that I’m pastor, I dont have that any more. I give that to others, but I have nowhere to turn for my own needs.”

Here are some poll results I gathered:

I asked this question, to which 90 pastors answered: Pastors, do you have someone (humanly speaking) to talk to about the deep things on your heart and the issues that arise in your ministry? Someone you can trust and completely be yourself with? Thirty-nine percent said, “No”.

I also asked this question, to which 31 pastors answered: Pastors, if you needed/desired counseling, would you be able to afford it financially? Seventy-one percent said, “No”.

Look at these statistics from pastoralcareinc.com:

  • 80% believe pastoral ministry has negatively affected their families. Many pastor’s children do not attend church now because of what the church has done to their parents.
  • 65% of pastors feel their family lives in a “glass house” and fear they are not good enough to meet expectations.
  • 35% of pastors report the demands of the church denies them from spending time with their family.
  • 66% of church members expect a minister and family to live at a higher moral standard than themselves.
  • Moral values of a Christian are no different than those who consider themselves as non-Christians.
  • The average American will tell 23 lies a day.
  • 57% of pastors believe they do not receive a livable wage.
  • 57% of pastors being unable to pay their bills.
  • 53% of pastors are concerned about their future family financial security.
  • 75% of pastors report significant stress-relatedcrisis at least once in their ministry.
  • 40% report serious conflict with a parishioner at least once in the last year.
  • 35% of pastors battle depression or fear of inadequacy.
  • 70% of pastors do not have someone they consider to be a close friend.
  • 27% of pastors report not having anyone to turn to for help in a crisis situation.
  • 34% of pastors wrestle with the temptation of pornography or visits pornographic sites.
  • 84% of pastors desire to have close fellowhip with someone they can trust and confide with.
  • 1 out of every 10 pastors will actually retire as a pastor.

Sarah Eekhod Zylstra wrote, “More than half of pastors have counseled people who were later diagnosed with a mental illness (59 percent), and about a quarter say they’ve experienced some type of mental illness themselves (23 percent). According to LifeWay, 12 percent have been diagnosed with a mental health condition.”

Our state of South Carolina has led the nation in pastoral suicides for quite a few years. The need for ministry to pastors is great!

I have been both on the side of looking to a pastor for spiritual direction and being the pastor who provides spiritual direction. It’s a tough place to be. With these realities stated here, pastors need pastors too. That is why I became a Shepherd with Standing Stone.

Standing Stone provides confidential care to lead pastors, associates of sorts (discipleship, executive, worship, student, etc.), leaders of parachurch organizations, missionaries, etc. We understand that healthy pastors lead healthy churches. That health includes physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental health.

If you would like to find out more about this kind of ministry, please reach out to me at Matthew.w@standingstoneministry.org.

Three People We Need in Life

I’m not sure what crossed your mind when you read the title. I don’t know if you were receptive, or if you are one who is all about the self-reliance, letting no one into your life but you. If that is the last, I must warn you that isolation is worse. Just saying!Anyway, we have three types of people we need in our life.

Everyone needs someone older and wiser in his or her life. I have always been blessed with those people. In the Bible, Paul was that to Timothy. I have been blessed with both men and women who gave sound advice to this young, struggling boy. Among my favorites was a lady named Myrtle Griggs. Myrtle went to be with the Lord nearly three years ago. I still wish I could pick up the phone and call her, but God has blessed me with several others who provide a similar level of wisdom.

Everyone also needs an encourager. Scripture tells of a man named Barnabas, whose name meant “son of consolation (encouragement)”. The world is full of negative people. Find one or more who will speak life into you. It’s a blessing to have a cheerleader in your life who will see your strengths and potential and praise those qualities.

Finally, everyone needs someone to correct you when necessary – one who will teach and rebuke. Scripture says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend”. A true friend will speak up when you are about to screw up. That is real love.

I can’t take credit for these thoughts. Someone from Twitter commented, and I couldn’t help but share these with my blogging audience. If you do not have each of these three people in your life, find them. They may be at work, church, or in your family. Wherever they are, humble yourself enough to benefit from the contribution they can make in your life. You’ll be glad you did.

About the Ministry

“Wounded Yet Healed” is a writing ministry of Matthew Winters. Matthew surrendered his life to Christ in 1987 and to the call to ministry in 1997. He has served in the areas of worship, discipleship, senior adults, lead pastor, and church planter. Matthew is now a shepherd with Standing Stone Ministry, providing confidential care to pastors and ministry leaders.

Matthew knows what it means to be “wounded yet healed”. He has experienced the trials of ministry, divorce, and having to rebuild his life and ministry. Matthew’s desire is to help those who have been wounded in the fight become healed by the power of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Matthew has been married to Jennifer since September 11, 2015, and they parent a blended family of 7 children. They reside in upstate South Carolina.

Family picture after dedicating our youngest two in the worship service

Don’t Cry Out Loud?

Cue the music. If you’re drawing closer to 40 like I am, then you remember the song. I believe it was Melissa Manchester who recorded. Now cuing the younger people googling this ancient song.

Crying out loud…is it a sign of weakness? Is it really that bad? Many have stigmatized it, but some actually appreciate it. There are some crazy people out there (like me) who cry out loud and appreciate those who do. Why? Because I appreciate vulnerability. People who hide their raw selves can be found on every corner.

Our Savior wept. At a moment when He had the power to raise Lazarus from the dead, He wept over the death of His friend. Think about it! If the King of Glory wept, don’t we have permission to process our emotions in such a way?

What about processing our emotions like this in the presence of others? Isn’t that showing weakness? Yes! But doesn’t Scripture say that we are made strong in our weakness?

As we begin a new week, I want you to consider something – How effective is your tough facade? You may be strutting around acting like Superman or Wonder Woman, but people are likely seeing your struggle. Get this! If you were open about it, you might gain strength and help others in the process. How awesome would that be?!?

As I close, I will spare you having to look up this song on YouTube. Here it is:

The Journey Begins

This is not my first rodeo with blogging. For over four years, I wrote a blog that was, in the end, called “Honest Thoughts from a Pastor”. God made it clear in the final months that the blog had to go.

After some time to pray and reboot, you are reading a blog that I pray will encourage those who have been wounded in the fight. We all have scars. We all, like Jacob in his encounter with what is believed to be the pre-incarnate Christ, walk with a limp. Your scars or limp may be from addiction, divorce, or some form of abuse. Whatever it is, there is hope for you.

As I write, I will write about difficulties and scars. But I won’t stop there. God doesn’t want you to stay in your difficulties. He wants you to triumph. He wants you to use those difficulties to help others.

While I pray that many in vocational ministry will be reading, I long to minister to the overall body of Christ as well as to those who have yet to follow Christ. When all is said and done, I can’t wait to read and hear the testimonies of readers who have been “wounded yet healed”.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton