Many who read this blog don’t know me that well outside what they have read. I have spoken to some personally, but many of my readers don’t know me outside of my writing. They have read about some of my struggles, but tonight, I desire to share my extremely deep need for a fresh anointing upon my life.
I will give a little bit of back history, mainly because I believe someone can benefit from this because of your own personal struggle. My ministry hit its peak between 2009-2012. I was leading worship in a church and really seeing the hand of God bless it. It was also during that time that I was coming to terms with anxiety and depression and the need to be authentic. Because of my calling to preach, this church licensed and ordained me for ministry. This church will always have a special place in my heart.
At the end of 2012, I left for my first pastorate. I knew it would be a challenge because it was all new territory. What I didn’t realize was that the demise of my marriage would culminate during that time, and that life and ministry as I knew it was over. Broken and wounded, I returned to the city I left (the place with the church that ordained me).
When I returned to South Carolina, life was different. I was determined to rebuild my life and had high hopes that ministry could be great for me again. I served two churches upon my return, but ministry had lost a lot of its joy as I faced the challenges of dating again and dealing with my kids adjusting to my life shifts. Due to some issues arising in the church I was serving along with the family changes, I stepped away from church ministry for a while. Four churches contacted me that week about positions they had open, but God made it clear that I was not to step into any of those situations.
Here is where it’s going to get honest. During my time out of vocational church ministry, opportunities to preach and minister were slim. Some of the pastors who contacted me immediately after I left the other church took it personally because I did not go to their churches. I was disheartened by what I was seeing in a lot of churches, and thus the content of my dissatisfaction became a blog. The blog had tons of hits, but I’m pretty sure I made some enemies along the way. While no one has shared this with me, I’m pretty sure I hurt some people who were actually a blessing to me. If I could undo the past, I would undo it quickly. I pray that one day God will allow some healing to take place with those I offended.
The desire for future ministry was still present at that time along with my hurt from some church situations. Coupled together, I took these emotions and started a church. I was trying to be what I did not have the liberty to be in my previous church situations. That was great for a while, but it didn’t end so well. When it didn’t become what I desired it to be, I had to honestly step away and admit I was not in a good place to lead a ministry.
That left me pretty bitter with God. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get a decent chance at ministry again. Why did I have to sit on the sideline because of my divorce and remarriage? Why were political moves allowing some pastors to climb the ladders of ministry? I wanted no part in the politics or games I saw played by some. I just wanted an authentic move of God, and I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted to see God’s glory revealed in my midst.
Six and a half years after my last full-time church position, I still want that. I still don’t feel like I fit the mould from my previous denominational camp. There are many I love from that group, but many of us are on different pages now. I still struggle some days with the reality of where I am. One thing I know – I need a fresh anointing.
In Second Kings, Elisha asked for a double portion of the spirit Elijah had. When Elijah was caught up, he gave that to Elisha. I want that.
For ministry in these unprecedented times, we need that. Nothing less will do. I don’t want to relive my glory days of ministry. I want new glory days, and I want God to define what that looks like. The same old methods and ways won’t do. I don’t know what that will look like, but I want the glory of God’s presence flowing through all I say and do. Would you join me in desiring that?